By Ryan Bolton
Sex through the back door, so to speak. It’s back in a big way, like it’s the ’80s all over again. Just be safe and consult letter L on this list before trying it. You’ll be happy you did.
A slang term for fellatio, which is any oral sex act performed on a male.
Also known as “the little man in the boat,” this small, sensitive part of the vagina is a woman’s most sensual erogenous zone. Don’t be scared of it — waving hi once in a while can take you places.
A from-behind sexual position that has the receiving partner on all fours and the delivering partner upright behind them. The name derives from exactly where you think it does.
The Greek god of sexual desire, attraction, and love. And god love him for it.
When your roommate randomly starts cleaning the house, typically in a rushed manner. It’s not because they’re sick of your mess; it’s because their new fling is on the way over. You’re usually asked to leave at this point.
A hole in a wall of a public restroom stall. One then inserts his you-know-what into said hole in hopes of receiving oral sex (or any other form of sex, for that matter) from the stranger on the other side.
Half Your Age, Plus Seven
A rule of thumb often used to determine if a possible lover is of proper age or if it’s considered indecent. For example, if you’re 20 years old, your formula would be 10 + 7 = 17. According to this basic math, you can’t date a person who’s 16 or younger — though, you really shouldn’t need a formula to tell you that.
The most basic synonym for sex.
Often referred to as the world’s most famous adult entertainer, this porn pioneer has starred in over 175 nudie flicks. Although she’s since retired, the Las Vegas, Nevada native got into the biz when she was only 19 years old and had a remarkable 15-year run that had her dubbed the “Queen of Porn.” She’s the perfect segue into our next term, because you’ve probably done the olde knuckle shuffle to her videos a few times (see the letter K before asking questions).
Quite possibly the best slang term for male masturbation. “Free Willy” is a close second, tied with “pulling your goalie.”
A colloquial term for specialized lubricants precisely designed to reduce friction during sexual acts. Use it, especially when you’re considering that term at the start of this alphabet. A little advice: aim for water-based lubricants. While their water-solubility can mean more reapplications than their silicone- or oil-based counterparts, they are easily absorbed by the body, easy to clean up, and completely condom compatible.
A politically correct way of saying “have sex,” and a phrase that no one but your mother says anymore.
Netflix and Chill
The newest way to cour t another person. It ’s code for “come over, let’s not watch Archer, and actually have sex.” It’s tacitly understood. Capitalizing on the popularity of the term, ad agency SuperHeroes is developing an app called Netfling, which will essentially turn the concept of “Netflix and chill ” into a dating ser vice.
The climax of sexual excitement, and the reason we all partake in sex (reproduction reprosmuction). Let’s just be fair with them, shall we? Giving is better than receiving.
An individual who is sexually, emotionally, or romantically interested in all groups or orientations, including gay, straight, transgender, lesbian, bisexual, and so on.
A hurried (and typically spontaneous) sexual experience with a quick climax. They often take place before work or on lunch breaks.
A sex position that entails the man lying on his back while a woman rides atop facing the opposite way. Cowboy boots are optional.
A man’s byproduct of the letter O. Critical in the baby-making process, this sticky white stuff is an organic fluid that helps another s-word (sperm) travel from point A to point B. Worried about your macros? Semen reportedly has around 36 calories per teaspoon. Speaking of tea…
When one’s scrotum is repeatedly dipped in and out of another ’s mouth. This is most often performed as a practical joke or prank to an open-mouthed sleeping friend, but can also be done in the bedroom between lovers. To each their own.
Uncle Jim and the Twins
A medical term used to describe a man’s penis and testicles. Usually heard in the doctor’s office. (Not actually.)
A medication used to treat erectile dysfunction. Essentially, it allows men to continue living a sexual lifestyle even after their bodies suggest they stop. Thank goodness for that.
This sex position has one partner laying in such a way that their torso flows off the edge of the bed so that their head is on the floor while the other par tner is on top. Warning: blood will flow to your head quickly, so it’s a rush in more ways than one.
The porn equivalent of YouTube. Because it’s made up mostly of homemade porn, be cautious as you would before venturing down any ordinary YouTube hole — there’s some weird stuff on there.
Not an acceptable phrase to yell out during orgasm (unless you’re Bruce Willis).
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Arguably the best (only?) Hollywood movie strictly about porn that’s not actually porn. While approved in Canada, its raunchy poster (look it up!) was rejected for circulation in America. Star Seth Rogen and director Kevin Smith agreed the funniest and only approvable option would be to draw the cover — hence the poorly drawn stick people.