Love in an Elevator, and 7 other high-risk sexperiences to partake in – without getting arrested
By Mike Dojc
The mere notion of skirting public decency laws to get it on is probably enough to have some fellas ﬂying at quarter-mast, but even the most adventurous sex daredevils don’t want to spend a night in the clink. No worries, though — that’s where we come in. We’ll walk you through ways to get verboten thrills without adding a lewd conduct charge to your permanent record — provided you stick to this guide.
Inside Fitness in no way condones illegal behaviour. This article is intended for entertainment purposes only, and in no way should be considered as a call to action.
Unless your name is Steven Tyler, living it up while you’re going down in an office elevator is not the greatest idea. Not only do you have to worry about other riders peeping in on the action, but most elevators are also monitored for security, as Ray Rice knows all too well. Also, even the tallest buildings won’t leave you with a ton of time to finish the job.
How to pull it off: You’d be surprised at how many standalone homes are equipped with elevators. Rent one. On Airbnb, you can even screen for houses with lifts to make crossing this one off a breeze.
Golf Course Plonking
The fussed-over foliage, sparkling ponds, and raked white-sand bunkers make the links a romantic spot for some al fresco organ grinding. According to a recent Golf Digest exposé on course nookie, dealing with the messy consequences the next morning is par for the course for groundskeepers.
How to pull it off: Don’t even consider a twilight round delight. Wait until the course is closed and then scamper onto a choice fairway under the moonlight. Playing rules still apply — clean up afterward. No one wants to fish a used condom out of the cup. Also, if you’re looking to strike golf course sex off your bucket list, try to keep it off the greens. Butt and knee prints are a lot more time consuming to fix than your standard ball mark.
Mile High Clubbing
Doin’ it at 30,000 feet is the gold standard of high-octane sexperiences, but it’s also fraught with the greatest risk of discovery. Last year, a couple got too obviously amorous in a lavatory on a hopper to Halifax and was greeted by RCMP officers upon arrival. Airborne encounters have even triggered the scrambling of fighter jets on suspicion that the nookie may have been something much more nefarious.
How to pull it off: Avoid becoming a subplot on the next season of Homeland and join the club safely through a specialty fantasy-fulfilling airline like Love Cloud in Vegas, where private flight packages start at $799.
Some Fitting-Room Ferking
While most retailers position cameras all over stores to keep tabs on the merchandise, change rooms are lens-free zones. A morning dalliance is the pro move here. A store is going to have to be empty to pull this off, so you’re going to want to come in as soon as the doors open. Keeping all moaning to a bare minimum is key. It only takes one prying ear to alert mall security.
How to pull it off: To fully Paul Blart-proof this fantasy, we recommend enlisting a lookout to make sure the coast is clear. This way, in a worst-case scenario, you can bail mid-act, slip back under the partition, and pretend to be tying your shoes.
Sauntering in a Sauna
Steamy dry heat, the scent of sandalwood, and being covered by nothing more than a towel is a recipe for getting hot and bothered in a hurry. Arrive during off-hours and bring an “out of order” sign to hang on the door to avoid intermittent interlopers.
How to pull it off: Be sure that you both drink a bottle of water before going in — there are already a lot of ﬂuids being sweated out over the course of a normal sauna session. Make it a quickie, too. Breathing is difﬁcult enough in a sauna and belly-bumping activity will only make it harder. Regular sauna rules apply: if you begin to experience any nausea or dizziness, get the hell out of Dodge.
Sex Ed in a University Lecture Hall
The hot pursuit of carnal knowledge is a rite of passage for collegians the world over. Just because your time in the hallowed halls of higher education is in the rear-view, as they say, it’s never too late to go back.
How to pull it off: Garb up at Forever 21, H&M, or your fast fashion retailer of choice so you don’t stick out too sorely. Then, when night classes let out, casually slip in and simply lock the door behind you to avoid mid-thrust coitus-interuptus courtesy of the custodian.
A Photobooth Fandango
Get frisky while snapping a flipbook worth of pictures to keep as a memento. Think of it as making the Steampunk version of a sex tape, which is not only cooler, but has way less of a chance of leaking into every dark nook and cranny of the Internet.
How to pull it off: Forget the mall and make your hot photo set somewhere with less inherent stranger danger like at a wedding where the “no peeking behind the red curtain” etiquette is most likely to be respected.
Breaststroking in a Swimming Pool
Opting for a private pool is not only common sense, it’s also way sexier than getting it on at your local rec centre. Exposing your you-know-what to bacterial grossness while also risking getting slapped with a ﬁne just isn’t even worth it.
How to pull it off: It may seem counter intuitive, but, when submerged, a woman loses her natural lubrication, so a silicone lubricant may be necessary to keep this romp chafe-free. Also, there’s no shame starting things off underwater before moving on to some landlubbing.